Needless to say, I don't use Xanga anymore.

http://jayssite.livejournal.com/

It was kind of funny yesterday in ISS I was listening to music on my PDA, since I was alone and no one would know. Some old guy - the principal's father actually - entered the room suddenly. I scrambled to turn off the music, and because I was scrambling it took me at least three seconds. I don't think the guy heard it though. He didn't mention it at all, and left shortly. He probably thought he was just hearing things. Or maybe he was too deaf to hear.

Anyway, today went uneventfully. It was a ‘dress normal’ day, so I didn’t have to wear formal dress clothes, but that’s about all that was out of the ordinary.

Yeah.

Go check out my site’s Christmas celebration. Unless, of course, you saw it last year, because it’s almost identical this year. Still fun, though.

Things are happening at FDR. It's in the news way more than it used to be. Fact is, I don't wish I were there anymore. I feel like I'd be looked down upon for liking FDR despite its bad events. But it's also because I think FDR has long forgotten me. That sentence sounds so retarded. But you know what I mean. Life moves on. I'm sure, for example, Allan remembers me once in a while, but for the most part there are new things now.

But like its always been, it's this two part problem: (1) I wanted to attend FDR, and (2) I didn't want to attend Tabernacle. And now, I hate Tabernacle for more reasons than I had even predicted. I can't handle Vangor rubbing his s*** in my face, while I am forced to be near him so often. But I can't help but wonder if this is what I did to him in tenth grade. I think I did. So I deserve it, I guess.

Rob and Crystal don't flaunt it like Vangor, but it still bothers me.

My website is doing a ten days of Christmas countdown. It's almost exactly like last year's. I never deleted last year's, so why make a new one? Although I did remove and add just a little bit of stuff I didn't like and like. Last year I gave it tons of hype, but this year I'm not doing as much. It didn't take me any work this time around, and plus, who goes on the internet during Christmas?

I'm also working on a new animation. I'm keeping the style of my The Kids animation, but I've learned some new stuff so it'll be a better animation. Still stick figures, but more movement. Also, something I never did in The Kids, was rotate the camera all 3D like. It takes a while to do even one scene's rotation, but it looks cool so yeah.

Mikey went online Wednesday, so I asked if he wanted to hang out after church Sunday. After a short delay, he typed "ma b". In other words, "no". He said (obviously to be polite) maybe he'd call me Saturday or something. So, that conversation didn't go so well. I know that he has much better friends whom he wanted to hang out with. He signed on briefly on Saturday, but I was too shy to IM him, figuring that he’d call me if he would say yes anyway. I wonder if he signed on to give me the opportunity to IM him. I didn't IM him because I don't know how we could have done anything. I'd need a ride, and then what would we do anyway?

I keep stupidly torturing myself with thoughts about tenth grade. It's like I get a revelation of, 'whoa! tenth grade was good, and this sucks!'. And I keep getting this revelation over and over, as if it were still a revelation. My mind will realize new reasons why what I had in FDR was good, or why I'm screwed now, and if I'm lucky I'll stop and think, 'yeah. ok. i get it. anyway, moving along now ...'

Something got me uber confused recently. A (long) while ago, I would bitch about why my life sucks. Then I realized, that most (but not all) people's lives suck, an it's normal. It's expected, it's supposed to happen. But recently I heard that that was untrue, that life isn't 'supposed' to suck. But, as I write that out, I think the former was the true statement. Although, I remember my FDR guidance counselor told me that school was not supposed to suck. But, that doesn't mean it doesn't suck for most people.

Often I feel like breaking things, throwing things, punching things, but I never do because I don't want to be stupid. But the fact is, I cannot release my anger. It is lucky that no one ever pisses me off or fights me, because I would demolish them if I remembered my deep angers while fighting.

[later:]

During lunch, the principal told me to go wait in his waiting room. For some reason, I was not surprised at all, and just said, “Okay,” like it was nothing. Once he joined me in his office, he discussed the fact that I’d passed the limit for # of detentions, which equals an in school suspension. Which didn’t bother or surprise me – I’d been expecting it. Because suddenly I’m a delinquent by this school’s standards.

He said that there was going to be a school counsel meeting at which they would discuss me. He said I am now on ‘probation’, and after a period of ? weeks they will evaluate whether or not to remove me from the school. I’m the only person I’ve heard of who has been on school ‘probation’ without getting in actual (physical) trouble.
It appears that making friends is a requirement in this school, which is one reason for my probation. That’s one of the things the principal says I need to work on. It's on this whole checklist of stuff he’s giving my teachers to check off weekly. Obviously, the most problematic thing is homework assignments.

The principal then proceeded to give me ISS for the rest of the day without me realizing it. We were talking about my assignments, he told me to go get my books, and then he told me to get working. But he left me alone, so I listened to music on my PDA. That helps me get work done. For some reason I don’t have an issue with doing work in school, it’s only a problem when it’s on my own time.

ISS sure beats going to class, though. But perhaps that was only today, since I had stuff to do and wasn’t bored.

Oh, one other thing. The principal is gonna get some teacher to sit with me each week for 5-10 minutes, do a DEVOTIONAL, and PRAY with me. I told him I did not want him to do that, but he managed to get me to say that I could tolerate it. I was just waiting for him to tell me that “what you’re doing is not pleasing to God” so that I could dispel his assumption that I am a Christian. But he may already know.

He recommended I talk to my parents before he calls at 5:00p, but I didn’t get a chance to.

I want to go to, like, … not Tabernacle. What a coincidence that I wrote my reasons even before the principal came to me today.

[December 10^th:]

I'm in my 'holy ****, i can't go to this school anymore' mood again. It's been too long to repossess my old almost-friendships now, and FDR is in the news more this year, but I still want to go back. It is weird wanting to go to that crappy school, but I only want to go there because it is better than here. I feel like I totally ****** up my chances here. I'm in a detention hole too deep to fix. I've alienated half the students here. And, lastly, there's no one even remotely in my situation so I stick out worse than my chem teacher's ass does when she tucks her shirt.

Because I was not ready for the switch, and was still in shock even during the beginning of this school year, I completely ****** up. Whereas Vangor, who intentionally asked to attend this school, readied himself and, well, he's successful. And, probably by accident, he's rubbing his s*** in my face. In tenth grade I totally ignored him and hung out with my new friends. I felt sorta bad, but I also acknowledged that Vangor just wouldn't work as my friend, we just didn't fit. (Not to sound stuck up, it's just that we tried to be friends in ninth grade and let's just say it didn't work so well). This year, Vangor is being sticky to anyone who shows a bit of friendliness. And he's joined the basketball team. So w00t for him. I need to get out of here. (Robert and Crystal, too, are doing well. I don't know if Robert actually has true friends, but he seems to be popular in a very strange way.)

Anyway, I noticed that a lot of times just being average/neutral takes effort. Like, if you're talking to someone, just to acknowledge them without saying much else is rude. When not saying anything during a car ride, people ask why you're so quiet.

Tabernacle, weirdly enough, has a semi-mandatory skate trip that I don't really want to go on. It's semi-mandatory because it is a regular day of school, but a way that people could ditch it is to skip school, or to get their parents to deny permission. I don't want to go because I ... don't remember me skating, ever. But I don't want to miss anything interesting that might happen.

yeah.

All my cat ever does is lick itself. It likes to lay on my bed when I’m sleeping or at the computer, and it always chooses that time to clean itself. Or sleep. If not one of those, then he won’t stop bugging me for some food or water. Strange how survival is a privilege for him. If he doesn’t roll around and be cute, no water.

Okay, now back to our regular scheduled program. Here’s the stuff I wrote on my PDA while bored at school:

I'm working on a program (hta) that is a web browser that automatically uses my proxy, transparently. This way, it'll be pretty natural feeling, while being 'anonymized'. Another thing I was thinking was that I could post the hta on download.com and get more traffic on my web site.

I was thinking, people who say 'get your ass off the computer and into the real world', well, how is that even possible? What 'real world' is there for me… For instance, I think Mikey goes to a lot of concerts. How does he find out there is a concert? Anyway, point is, even if I wanted to, there's no 'real world' I can jump into because there is nothing 'real' going on in my life right now.

People are hoping we go home early today. FDR went home early on Friday, I think. The hydeparkschools.org site did not announce a snow day, yet two people from FDR on my buddy list updated their away messages during school hours, with messages that sounded like they were not at school. (I stayed home sick on Friday.) Tabernacle didn't go home early tho. Now, with the well known unlikeliness of FDR going home early, combined with the apparent greater unlikeliness of Tabernacle going home early, I don't think we'll go home early today. It's 10:15 and it hasn't even begun to flurry. In FDR, it'd be considered too late already. But people are also talking about no school tomorrow, which would be awesome because Tuesday is the worst day of the week for me. (no study hall, chemistry lab, gym class, and detention.) Monday's the best, because it's just the opposite.

FMP's new movie "fight ... something", the one that's a big fight scene, kicks my ass. It's choreographed fighting, slow motion scenes, several actors, and multiple angles. Shit, man. Some of those I haven't done. I could do it, yeah, but it's just the fact that I haven't done anything with video in so long that I guess they have caught up and passed me. (Not that I'm very skilled, but just more skilled than someone who's never done it before) … I'm trying to figure out why this bothers me. ... I guess I no longer feel ‘worthy’ of FMP anymore. I used to feel like I had something to offer them, but not anymore.

Okay, now the topic I've been avoiding.

Somehow I'd once had the idea that you should just be yourself, and not try to act 'cool' just to fit in. You could always tell who were those who tried to act cool. But now I realize. There comes a point where someone realizes they're a loser, and decides not to be anymore. I watched with contempt as Patrick C did that successfully. Chris K said somewhere that's what he did as well. Vangor, too, realized it, and is being successful in fixing it. Jeff W says he used to be a fat loser and so he changed and now look at him. I need to discard my entire identity and become what people want. When can I bring myself to do this? What, exactly, should my new self's characteristics be? How drastic will I go - will I stay off my computer?

Oh, speaking of computer, I realized that people my age have some certain expertise. Like, Tyler D is supposedly excellent at bass guitar. Me? I'm great at programming. Besides that being uncool, it's also not a very 'multiplayer' activity.

Should my new identity be a skateboarder? That seems to be the current fad. I think. I haven't been as involved with teens this year so I dunno. Tabernacle people are (mostly) religious and different. Am I really even going to do all this? It sounds like one of those good ideas that I just never actually carry out.

w00t, it's finally snowing. We're not getting out early, I guarantee, but I just don't want school tomorrow.

w00t, the class just cheered bc it started snowing harder. It's sticking already.

I never used to do this kind of "live" blogging.

One of my classmates’ cousins  (whom I talked about who might have social anxiety disorder), well now I hear that he's losing weight cuz he's not eating. He's not eating because he has, like, a small throat or something, and he chokes like once a month.. His last choke must have been very traumatizing because now he's having just energy drinks and pudding. He says he's eating but he spits out his food when he thinks no one is looking. He has a broken leg, but that doesn’t keep him from burning energy and losing weight because he runs with his cast anyway.

We just got new seating arrangements in Bible class. I cannot think of a worse person to be sitting next to than guess who - Vangor. Yeah, so we successfully ignored e/o. I already know that something extremely awkward is just going to happen sometime this year, without a doubt. Vangor is actually his last name, but I call him it to avoid confusion between him and Josh L. But Josh L got expelled for ******* on Christopher's books. Oh well. I'm not sure how to pronounce Vangor - does it rhyme with "banger" or "man whore"? who knows.